Hollywood Breakdown

What’s going on lately with Hollywood couples splitting up? Last week alone it was Larry King and his wife and Mel Gibson and his girlfriend? Do you think the age gaps play a role in the demise of their relationships?

Demi and Ashton and Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are proof–positive that relationships can indeed be healthy despite a significant age difference, however, recent Hollywood cases tell a much different story. Age quite possibly played a role in the break-up of Larry King and his wife Shawn Southwick. (But then again, given Larry’s track record in marriage other factors may be at play here too.) When there’s such a big age gap the couple may be prone to infidelity. Think about it: the older person feels insecure as his or her skin sags, wrinkles get deeper, and hair thins and grays. Not exactly the poster boy for a super-sex machine. With the age disparity are different drives. Clearly a 50-something has a much stronger libido than a 70-something. Additionally, growing up in different decades they might have vastly different tastes in music and culture. There’s a big difference between 60’s rock and 80’s pop. They’re also in different phases in their lives. The younger might be looking for new experiences and growing, while the elder might be looking to settle into the golden years and reflect on the past. Being in different phases can lead to different social groups and therein lay the potential for intimacy with others. I wouldn’t rule-out this phenomenon with the little league coach being the alleged other guy.

Mel Gibson’s relationship with Oksana Grigorieva…well, that’s a different story. Given that they allegedly met while he was still married rendered this relationship doomed from the start. Affairs, while they might seem exciting, fun, and dangerously thrilling while they’re happening - long term they rarely convert to a healthy relationship. I’ve seen countless couples in therapy having significant problems in their relationship around issues of trust. The common thread: they met while the other person was in a relationship. The thinking is: “if he/she did it before, then it can happen again.” The rapid succession of events in Mel and Oksana’s life may also have contributed to the break up. Within a year they met, dated, got pregnant, and had a baby, all while maintaining their very public lives. It sounds to me like a fling that grew stale and begs the question: How connected could they ever really have been? Blending ideas about how to raise a child, cultural differences, a 15-year age gap, and a rapid-fire courtship in Hollywood – I would have been surprised if the relationship lasted much longer than it did.

What we’re seeing play out between Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva happens everyday in America countless times over. Screaming, cursing, punching, knocking teeth out…well, maybe not the last thing, but sure, nasty fighting with passions running wild when child custody is at stake. Throw into the mix an A-list celebrity and his Russian beauty and you have high drama and gripping headlines.

Just because Mel Gibson is famous doesn’t mean he’s immune from the tragedies of relationships. The recently released audio is glaring evidence of that. By no means is Oksana to blame for the tirade, but if indeed she felt so threatened then why stay on the telephone? People in these types of situations who feel scared are not as composed, controlled, and strategic as Oksana, but rather panicked and the usual response is to flee the situation. This of course begs the question of her intent but for that I’ll defer to the legal experts.

That said, I would urge folks not to rush to judgment on the relationship that was once Mel and Oksana and the aftermath we’re now privy to. Sure, Mel has said some questionable things that would lead many to believe he’s a bigot and anti-Semite, and he has a flair for the dramatic, but I must say, as a couples therapist, the public never truly knows what goes on behind closed doors.

So what might Mel’s words reveal about him? Let’s take a look at some of his now infamous quotes:

"I stand up for myself! You, you weak c—t, you call the f—king cops!"

He dismisses her involving the authorities. Perhaps he thinks he’s immune or above the law, given his celebrity status.

"You don’t have any f—king friends except me!"

He wants to play hero. And he might be projecting his loneliness or isolation onto her.

"I’ll put you in a f—king rose garden…I’m capable of it."

His laughter when he says this might suggest he derives pleasure from inflicting pain – an indicator of narcissism and a grand sense of entitlement.

"You need a bat in the side of the head…selfish b*tch."

He’s displacing onto her his great frustration in the form of anger. He’s resorting to a barbaric approach to problem solving and is truly unhinged.